What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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