Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize