I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
