how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
