the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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