Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
