Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
