thus making me awesome and them whores
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
