Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
