I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
