if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
