well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
