I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
