when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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