Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
