Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
