Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
