I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
