Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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