i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
