are you still at the devil's house?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize