kristin has been a bad kristin
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
