i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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