I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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