I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just gift wrapped bread.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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