well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
