Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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