So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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