My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
