when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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