ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
