just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
