I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
