I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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