I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
