Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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