Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
