I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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