I looked at my own cervix.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
