My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
