I wish I could teleport
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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