i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
