I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
