Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
