so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
