Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I have aggressive nipples.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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