time to smoke my breakfast
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
