your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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