apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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