Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
false alarm, still single
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
