I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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