That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
