you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
