like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
