i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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