is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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