Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Randomize
