please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
