She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
