He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
