remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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