Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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