i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
