We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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