Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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