I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
