i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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