Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
